New Wine

I am in a valley. I haven’t been super open about it because, honestly, it’s been hell.

There are two parts to this section of my journey.

I was first told I have to have a second thyroid cancer surgery. And also told that this one will be as invasive, if not more than, the first one. Knowing that is part of the hell. I know the pain and the complete halt of my life that is ahead. One lymph node, one tiny lymph node around 2mm in size will lead me to a “neck dissection”.

I have felt scared, I have felt mad, I have felt sad. Sometimes I’m in denial. I move through the stages of grief as if I’m dealing with the death of a loved one. But it’s me. It’s my journey, and I’m living it.

I tell these TMI details not to bring you down, but to let you in on where I’m coming from.

I had/have pregnancy induced thyroid cancer. My general physician also had pregnancy induced thyroid cancer, ironically; it’s a thing. My daughter is almost 5, and in my wildest dreams, I never thought I would be dealing with something connected with that pregnancy, let alone this, in 2021.

We had trouble getting pregnant with her. But I became almost obsessed with having a baby. Everything got out of whack, especially my focus on God. Then by his grace, and lots of mercy, we had our sweet Maggie Jane. I knew she was the exact one we were waiting for, from the moment I knew she was inside me. She completed our family.

At that same time, I had a lump on my thyroid. I was told it was nothing and since I had zero symptoms, I shouldn’t worry. And I’d forget until an annual exam came up. But for 3 years I was told not to worry. So I didn’t.

My first (and only expected) surgery was in 2020. Eleven months later I learned I would need a second. I refer back to the beginning lines of this post on how I’ve been handling it. I’ve been doing a ton of praying and soul searching. I’ve asked why a hundred times. I’ve felt apart from God. I’ve turned away at times. But still he reaches to me.

Logically I know that he reigns supreme. He is a God of love. He never leaves me. He allows things to happen (to me) at times. But human emotions are real and day to day can be hard.

And then, a miracle happened. (God’s reminder to my limited human mind of the paragraph above.) The surgeon (who’s goal in life is to perform surgery) felt something wasn’t right about heading into surgery. He took my “case” to a board and also consulted with 2 other surgeons. I take this in itself as a miracle. How many surgeons even think much about their patients after following standard protocol and procedure? My stats said I required surgery, yet…

My miracle is that I will be starting with a radioactive iodine treatment, as opposed to surgery. This is the standard treatment (along with surgery) for thyroid cancer. I felt lucky to have been able to avoid it this long, as it is an ordeal in and of itself. I will be radioactive for about 10 days and will need to completely quarantine, along with needing to dispose of some things that I touch. There is also a chance for a number of side effects. Please pray for me on this. It will be hard on me (emotionally and physically), and very emotionally hard on my children. But I’m praying like crazy that this will do it; that this will do its job and kill any leftover thyroid cancer cell in my body. And if it does, no surgery will be required. What a blessing! It’s an option I was originally told I didn’t have this late into the game.

The emotional roller coaster has been almost more than I can handle. But I have new hope. I physically feel great and will continue to be active and spend time doing things I like to do, with my favorite people. Until I physically can’t. And provided there aren’t side effects, I will only be down for a time…

There are 2 things which have really impacted me.

The first is a song called New Wine by Hillsong Worship.

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil
I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

So I yield to You into Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me

I feel crushed. I feel pressed. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that more. I hold on to God making me something/someone new, for his purpose.

The second is a daily devotional I do called Devotions for Moms, by Ellen Banks Elwell. She talked about sacrificial love and what that really looks like. And that ultimately the only reason for sacrifice is for God’s glory and his kingdom. The best example of this is Jesus, obviously. And I “know” that parents sacrifice for their kids. Yet she mentioned giving up a comfort for our child and it hit me. Maybe this is my sacrifice. I was given my beautiful girl, and this is my sacrifice. It’s more than I would have signed up for, and maybe that’s why it came to me this way.

I’m not sure how God will use this. But I know he will.  I only hope I can see it someday, because I’m not seeing it now. I’m too raw. I’m not seeing how my emotional and physical pain furthers his kingdom, but it will if he ordains it to be. Plus, I stubbornly refuse to let this all be in vain. And my story continues…

Jesus bring new wine out of me.

Embrace Life